You’ve likely had both good and bad experiences in each of your relationships, and whether they're close, casual, or somewhere in between, this can make it difficult to know whether a particular relationship is healthy or not. Yet, this doesn’t even take into account all that’s involved with trying to keep up the emailing, texting, calling, and scheduling times to meet and whether someone is too busy, has more urgent things to do, or feels slighted. It can be a lot.
Yes, alas, we’re all human, and we all have flaws, but even so, relationships can and should be healthy. So, it’s important to intentionally choose the types of people and characteristics you want in your life, and those you don’t. Understanding what you want in a relationship is not only critical for starting new relationships but also for managing existing ones.
Even better, you may want to consider the answer to this question, “What is a healthy relationship?”
To answer that, let’s start with what it isn’t.
Unhealthy Relationships
Unhealthy relationships are ones which are one-sided, where at least one person is constantly put down, unsupported, unhappy, or placed into positions of taking on too much of the burden to make things work or too often dictated to about how things will work.
Sometimes, things start out well but take a turn for the worse. These are the times that can be most confusing. “Do I stay or do I go,” may be the question coming to mind if this occurs. While we can find ourselves in the midst of a relationship dynamic that needs to be addressed and remedied from time to time, if the remedies aren’t changing anything, it may be time to consider whether the relationship is worth saving. Rough patches happen in all relationships, but whereas in healthy relationships both participants will work things through and own their parts, taking ownership, making improvements, and offering and accepting forgiveness, unhealthy relationships will continue to evidence toxic qualities.
These are a few examples of traits seen in unhealthy relationships:
· One-Sided Communication: You feel like your words continually fall on deaf ears, your voice is silenced, minimized, diminished, or mocked by the other person rather than respected.
· Projecting, Deflecting, Shaming, and Blaming: You receive continual blame, are told that you are the reason or cause of all problems, and are viewed to be at fault whether you are actually at fault for something or not, or even are framed with untrue accusations. You are made out to be faulty for your thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, or feelings. Rather than the issue being the issue, you become the problem. Anytime that the other person’s frustrations are projected onto you more often than not, you may be in an unhealthy relationship.
· Gaslighting: You feel like you must be losing your mind, but it’s really that your mental perception of the world is being manipulated and tainted by the other person in this form of emotional abuse. With gaslighting, the perpetrator tries to undermine your own sensibilities by turning things around on you or framing them in a way that makes you doubt yourself, thus taking advantage of the trust you’ve placed in them.
· Ridiculing and Criticizing: You are spoken to with words that are cutting, rude, or demeaning. You may be taunted, brushed aside for your true feelings or self. You are told how wrong or less than you are. Rather than the situation being addressed, you become, once again, the problem.
Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships take honesty, clear communication, vulnerability, and trust, and they take work and commitment. Yet, we each have blind spots, make mistakes, and are human. While this is the case, ownership, change, and forgiveness are necessary from both people in the relationship over time.
Here are a few other examples of traits seen in healthy relationships:
· Clear Communication: You and the other person are both able and willing to voice your opinions, emotions, agreements, disagreements, and interests without fear of being cut off or your feelings or perspectives being discounted. You hear each other out and find a way to both empathize and integrate a solution forward together toward goals that work for each of you and the relationship.
· Respect: Your beliefs, actions, and personality are treated with positive regard, valued, appreciated, and uplifted by the other person. Even if the other person doesn’t agree with the other all of the time and in all things, they still respect your right to make your decisions and respect you as a person.
· Constructive Conflict: You can each bring up areas of concern, areas of need, and areas needing change to the other and be met with a willingness to be heard and validated. Instead of a yelling match, in healthy relationships, both people discuss their feelings in a mature and understanding manner, seeking resolution that is acceptable to both parties. Even if complete agreement about the issue at hand is not possible, agreement about what you both commit to understanding and implementing about it can be.
Suffering from the effects of an unhealthy relationship can sometimes be due to personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as multiple personality disorder, or other mental health issues such as depression, stress, or anxiety. Whether you want the best treatment for BPD or any personality or mood disorder or relationship issue, Omaha Trauma Therapy is here to help! EMDR and Brainspotting therapy techniques are our specialty and highly effective if you’ve suffered abuse in your relationships. We want to provide you with a holistic approach to overcome your trauma.
Click here for more information on PTSD Treatment.